“J… I am gonna get married early next year…”
“What..?? really..?? r u sure..??”
“Nothin’… I just think that you’re not a married material.. take a look at this picture of woman who’s destined to get married… and you…. I don’t see you’re in the picture…”
“Seriously Mit… for real..??!”
“I love him…”
“What…??!! that’s it..?????”
“Where’s the unbelievable strong, full of suck realities, crazy, independent, adventurous and filthy Mita, that I know 4 years ago..???? vanished..?? just because the sake of Love and worse…. with this guy…????”
“Hahahaha… reality bites.. babe…! live with it…!, I am still me..!”
“oh yah..??? really..? you never believe that word, remember..??, you called it the “unbelievable bullshit to get into woman’s pants” word..!”
“I changed J.. let’s just say, time presents me the wisdom.. hahahaha”
“That’s not gonna last Mit… behold on my words…! you’re not married material, at least for now… and I don’t like him..! find someone else.. do not rush..”
And Folks..!! the reality is… I broke up 3 months later after that conversation..! the conversation that held in Plaza Senayan Coffee Bean with a very old friend of mine.. who I started to think, that he really knows me.. 🙂
I am not broke up because that conversation, but because.. again.. J was right… he’s an asshole..*forgive my language*
Well, am not gonna talk about him, and am not gonna be a smart ass to talk about the wisdom, back couple years ago, I admit that I was a pathetic person who mad to the world, and fought so hard for people to admit my existence in social life and working life. Laugh at people who shows their feelings… to me, crying is a form of weakness expression, affection is the biggest fault to show self weakness, make an effort to have a boyfriend and getting married is a lame excuse of fear to be alone and again… “Love” is the unbelievable bullshit to get into woman’s pants…!
After years gone by..
I realize.., those things above, is my expression of fear… fear of give my hope too high… fear of not to be admit by my circle of life, fear to have a life plan, fear of can not fulfill that plan perfectly, fear of not worthy to be loved by anyone, I am scare of failure, that’s why I never have a dream of what I’ll become, I’m scare that I can’t fulfill that.. I am scare to dream…
Until one day, my soul-mate, Ira, slap to me on my face with her words; “crying is not a sin..! God gives us that ability to express our feeling..! without crying, you’ll be a cold-blooded woman”
But still, I can not do that, next time I found that I am so desperately reach the underground limit.. just because my handicapped of expressing my feeling.. I hate myself for that… I curse myself for that..!
2 years ago, when I fought so hard to prove my existence in my professional life, turned into disaster, unconsciously, I became sort of a back stabber, fear of people will put their feet on my face, became reality. And then, I was like hit by 1000 volt of lightning when I realize how shallow I was, how disgrace I was…
Since then, I try to change, try to be just me, and the effect is.. I feel so dumb and invisible.. I feel that I am no one, only cameos in everyone’s life.. I feel that people wants me only for being nice and not really sincere. And in love life… I never really care.. guys came and go in front of my face.. and I didn’t care, never put that as one of my life priority… boyfriend is a “nice to have” material, what’s it gonna do me..?? I am only cameo for them.. they’re the movie star.. last time I checked, all I got only pain and loss from them..
You wouldn’t believe me, I am sharing my tears, when I wrote this, all my life, I realize that I disgrace and unappreciated myself, I never judge people, but I judge myself, I’ve been lying to myself, each day in my life, I convince myself that I am strong and independent, the truth is, I AM NOT..! I am only an idiot that trying to be smart and act like one.. I am scare so much of failures, but I failed so much..
Recently, couple weeks ago, I found a writing, wrote by one of my cousin, he made me realize, I supposed to be the leading actress of my own life, I am not a cameo in my life, people should be a cameo of my own life, when things turn out to disaster, we choose to blame other people, when we fail, we judge that we are a failure, well, that’s not true, we never fail, life does not stop when we fail, fail and success come and go, just like a wheel of life, there will come the time, when we have to fail, even though we already plan it flawlessly, and when we fail, there will be someone achieves their success, even the great Roman emperor had their darkest moment. There’s no perfect thing in life, but all can be perfect if you give your best, it is not achievement that count in every process, but the process itself.. the process how you pull every single pieces to achieve the goals, and people’s confession is not the only one measurement of the achievement, but your own satisfaction feeling, now I understand the quotations of “you will not get depression, if you love what you’re doing” as long as you believe in yourself and give your best to make things happen.
I am now in a process to love and appreciate myself, I treat me, like I want people to treat me. I am not dumb, I just sometime not knowing thing as much as other people. Now, I believe in Love, seeing my family never give up and never loose trust in me , when I think they should, that’s because they love me. Love is not shallow as I believed in before, it is not an “unbelievable bullshit to get into woman’s pants” but it is an expression to get into someone’s heart, it will last if you do it unconditionally, but it will come and go, if you ask something in return, and that would be for everyone’s option. I believe not all people just trying to be nice, because I have my best friends always sincerely believe and put trust in me, and all they ask is for me to be always be next to them for joys and sadness… I’ve been going trough life, it’s incredibly sucks sometime, but it is also amazingly lovely most of the time..
“Claire Colburn: You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling"
It’s getting late now… getting to bed now, and can’t wait for tomorrow.. I’ll see you in next post..! thanks for reading by the way… 🙂 nite all..!